Christmas is a Feeling....

The Christmas season is upon us. Trees glisten and glow, twinkling a red, green and gold. Menus are being planned and tested as fragrances of vanilla and cinnamon permeate the air. Melodies of trusted carols and new ones are heard on radios and in school auditoriums. It is the one time of year where the collective heartbeat of the world is felt beating all around. Wars are still being fought, sickness is still being battled and heartache still pierces the soul but there is something about this time of year that masks all the bad with a protective coating that lasts for a few weeks.

Christmas is by far my favourite holiday. There is something about the warmth it brings to my heart during a cold winter. Growing up, our Christmases were filled with wrapped boxes, elaborate meals and the cacaphony of a big Italian family. My senses still ignite when I am lured back into my ghosts of Christmases past. I hear the baritone voice of my grandfather breaking out into Tu Scendi Dalle Stelle after dinner. He was a jolly man who sat at the head of the table and even though he was the gentlest of souls he commanded a great presence in an unobtrusive way. He loved his grandchildren unconditionally, to the point where he would sit and chuckle as we helped dress him up as Santa. My grandmother, who ruled her house sternly throughout the year, would let down her guard and enjoy the craziness and sit on Santa’s lap with a smile on her face.

 

For years, my brother and I were the only children at table and that meant the colourfully wrapped boxes under the tree belonged to us. Ask me what my favourite gifts were, I couldn't tell you but ask me about the feeling in the room, I can tell you in great detail. It was chaotic but filled with a sense of belonging. Christmas Eve was blanket that held us together close and warm. I felt safe watching my boisterous family moving from kitchen to living room. I remember seeing the smiling eyes of my aunt and uncles watching as my brother and I dove in and tore apart the exquisitely wrapped boxes. My grandparents and great grandparents would laugh at our expressions and received such satisfaction that they brought joy to their only two grandchildren at the time. But the joy wasn't from the gifts, it was from the sense of family that enveloped us. The adults always tried to organize the process of opening presents but year after year, failed miserably. Who would want to get in between a child and their Christmas present?

 

As my brother and I entered our teens, our family had expanded. Aunt and Uncle married and with those unions, Christmas was brought alive again by the sound of little voices and feet running through the house. The house was re-energized and new traditions were made. I loved watching the young ones run through the house the way my brother and I did. Four little people who enjoyed the boxes the gifts came in rather than the actual gift. We played board games and cards after dinner while the smell of chestnuts roasting filled our nostrils. At about the time the chestnuts were done, there would be a knock at the door and standing on the other side would be my grandmother's brother's family, who lived three houses down. Let the festivities begin!

 

The houses would take turns visiting and this was something I looked forward to every year. We saw each other daily throughout the year but the visit of Christmas Eve was one I waited for excitedly. One year they would show up singing carols and the next we would show up with a drum in hand bellowing a very horrible rendition of Little Drummer Boy. It was magical being surrounded by the people who meant most to me. These were the best Christmases of my youth. The two families were close and the memories made are etched in all our hearts. It is these memories we need to carry with us and hold dear.

 

With the birth of my children, Christmas evolved again. Two new faces, wide eyed and innocent, graced our lives. Gone were some of the old faces. My great grandparents no longer sat at the dinner table, my paternal grandmother watched from heaven above, my grandfather, my uncle and my aunt lived only within our minds and hearts now. The mood around the table changed. Those young cousins were now 20 somethings and our family a few doors down had moved. Instead of a warm, happy time, people sat angry, sad and disappointed that these bodies no longer sat at our table. My children would watch the elders and try to understand why the sadness. It is something that they couldn’t comprehend. For them, they believe these souls are still with us and want us to regale them with stories of years gone by and be happy.

This year is Christmas is bittersweet. The collective heartbeat pounds loudly but there is an over-lying sense of heartache. We are watching some relatives struggle with their health and facing a future that is nearing an end. My children are older now and understand more with a heavy sadness in their hearts. They know Christmas next year will be different with more souls watching from above. But for this year they want to be grateful for the gifts these family members have given them throughout their lives. They want to live in the moment and make sure when that moment passes it becomes permanently inked on their hearts. For them, the ghosts of the past are memories waiting to be created by the stories we share. The ghosts of tomorrow are already a part of who they are and for this they are forever grateful.

 

The collective heartbeat at Christmas time brings hope, clarity, wonderment and most importantly love. Despite the sadness that lingers in the air, I still crave to be part of this heartbeat and so do my children. Christmas is more than the delicious food, beautiful decorations and wonderful gifts. It is a feeling that lives within our hearts and memories and no one can take that away.

 

Happy Holidays and may love and happiness surround you and your families!

My Big Fat Greek Vacation

Jet lag is finally gone (I think!) and reality has sunk in. Sixteen days of absolute bliss are now embedded in my memory, only to be drawn upon when everyday life gets crazy. Greece was incredible and it was the much needed break I desperately required to reset mind, body and soul.

Hot days were filled with mini-adventures along the western coast of this Mediterranean jewel. The kids and I stayed with family and our experience was more authentic and true than if we had booked hotels and tours. For this, I am forever grateful to L and G and the multitude of friends they brought into our lives. We were welcomed at the Athens airport by a wonderful Greek man, who offered to pick us up and take us to the bus station. His command of the English language was minimal and my knowledge of Greek was nil but we still managed to communicate using hand gestures and a lot of smiles. Even on the bus, I sat beside a man who spoke very little but managed to convey a hearty "Welcome to my country". I was becoming enamoured with the friendliness and immense pride of the Greek people very quickly.

My children were welcomed into the inner circle of my family's neighbours and embraced wholeheartedly. Again, language was a bit of an issue but children have this remarkable way of communicating without speaking a word. Watching these new friends take the hands of my children, I couldn't help but think "if only children ruled the world". They are already making plans for a longer visit next year, without MOM.

Letter from the kids in the neighbourhood to my children

I discovered that Greece is more than the photos we see of Santorini and Mykonos. Inside the shorelines of the birthplace of so much of the modern world lies many hidden gems. My cousin brought us to one of these treasures, a place called Meteora. It is a picturesque sandstone complex that houses six Eastern Orthodox monasteries that are built on top of each pillar. I had never seen anything like this before and was blown away at how pretty it was. How these monasteries were constructed high above the ground on the surface of each pillar was incredible. The walk up was one that left me shaky and sore for days! Walking around the monastery I felt as though I was that much closer to heaven. The view was incredible and the silence that filled the air was almost mystical.



Meteora
Photo by Audrey Bresar

A visit to Greece would not be complete without an island tour. As I mentioned, we did not venture to the tourist islands of the south but were able to explore one of the northwest islands in the Aegean, Skiathos. Our boat ride was an event. It made me remember how happy people on vacation are.  The captain, a man lovingly referred to as “Tarzan”, made the voyage over incredibly entertaining. Gathering up all passengers from the top deck, he cranked up the music and taught them the basics of the Sirtaki, a traditional Greek dance. Once the dancing was over, the true spirit of this Greek sailor took hold. “Look a dolphin on the right!” he screamed over the speaker and the entire boatload of passengers ran to the right.  Seconds later, “Sorry, I meant left!” and passengers went left causing the boat to rock. All that could be heard was a little chuckle over the speaker. Rocking the boat was all part of the experience. 


Skiathos
Photo by Audrey Bresar

 
As the boat sailed up to the port of Skiathos, I gasped. This was what I pictured Greece to look like. Pristine white buildings with pink bougainvilleas flanked against a clear blue sky and turquoise water. Sailboats dotted the port and cafes were filled along the waterfront. Needless to say, I could have stayed forever, sitting in one of those cafes with pen in hand and notebook open, chronicling what I saw and what I could imagine. A writer’s dream. 


Skiathos
Photo by Audrey Bresar

The kids wanted, no craved, more ruins.  They wanted to see the things that they only read about. Fortunately, they both studied Greek civilization and mythology this year and it woke up some intense curiousity on their part. So off we headed to Dion and Mount Olympus. I have to say that walking through the ruins of this ancient and important city was chilling. Alexander the Great walked these steps. My son was completely loving this part of the experience. Mosaics from ancient bath houses, statues of the gods, theatres and homes of the people of Dion had been dug up and made available for all to see.



Mosaic tiles at Dion
Photo by Audrey Bresar

The island of Evia, surrounded by green and turquoise water, was a welcome surprise.  Once thought to have been part of the mainland, Evia possesses a secret known by few, the healing mineral baths of Edipsos.  The water ranges from cool to extreme. Young and old, Greek tourists and locals sit on the pinkish rocks letting the thermal waters flow upon them and work their healing powers. I felt invigorated moving back and forth from the hot running water to the cooler water of the sea. It was blissful.


Evia
Photo by Audrey Bresar



The Hot Springs
Evia
Photo by Audrey Bresar

Our last stop on this amazing journey was Athens. Now I had heard mixed reviews on what to expect. Beautiful, old, dirty, crowded. I tried not to let other peoples experiences cloud my initial thoughts. What I will tell you is that as the kids and I walked into Monistiraki and saw the Acropolis peaking down through the buildings, I felt chills. This is something we don’t experience in a young country like Canada; the feeling of being part of something so much bigger, of historical significance. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was in the same place as some of the great minds that helped shape modern civilization. Walking up (seemed like everywhere we went it was an upward climb!) the Acropolis, the kids were amazed. The Parthenon, thousands of years old, still stood. Of course the questions erupted like a volcano. “How can it still stand?” “Why are parts missing?” “Who fixes them and how do they know what it looked like?” “Did the gods really exist?”  I absolutely LOVE the curiousity that lives within them. (Of course, I had to google everything to formulate an even plausible reply).



The Parthenon
Photo by Audrey Bresar

This trip reset a lot of things. I was able to slow down and catch up with life, with me and with the kids. We had no pressure and enjoyed the moments that seemed to linger just a little bit longer while there.  We did see wonderful things but this journey was about reconnecting.  And we did that through a shared experience and being in the moment without interruption.

So the question now is “Where do we go next year?”

Talk to me! What is your summer adventure this year?

One of My Most Wonderful Gifts

Twelve years ago I was introduced to the first person who would transform my life forever. A person who would teach me things I never dreamt I would learn. Someone whose tears and pain would cut through my heart like a knife. Someone whose smile would take away all my pain and upset the moment I saw it. A wonderful human being whose humility, kindness, grace and soul is unlike anyone I have ever met. 

At 11:20 pm on May 29th 2002, I was blessed with the greatest gift I had ever received in my life, my daughter. 

She took her time coming into the world and this should have been a clue to her personality. Even when she arrived, she didn't do so with a hearty scream. No, my daughter took her time to let the world know she was finally here. Her arrival marked one of the two most important days in my life. 

There is an easiness that she carries within her. Life is to be enjoyed...slowly. And slowly she does. At times her more relaxed nature bats heads with my more rushed way of life. Nothing is urgent for her. Nothing is pressing. Moments for her are savoured one by one, whether it's eating a meal, reading a book or brushing her hair. And I absolutely love this about her. 

She possesses a gentleness that will amaze you. Children, animals and adults respond to her with trust and affection. Her heart is large and she ensures that everyone is okay. I remember walking with her one afternoon when she was about four. We had passed a man sitting on the side of the road with a sign and coffee cup asking for money in what had become hard times for him.  A few feet beyond the man she spotted something and let go of my hand running to pick it up. It was a penny. Turning around with the biggest smile, she ran back toward me stopping in front of this man and dropped the penny in his cup. This man looked at her with tears in his eyes. I was blown away. This is who my daughter is. 

Far from being a drama queen, she does like to inject a bit of flavour to the things she does. This past Mother's Day she gave me a handmade card but before doing so had to set up the "how".  As I sat on the sofa, she walked toward me, iPod in hand, blaring the Katy Perry song "Unconditionally". My life at that moment became a musical. With tears in my eyes, I embraced her as she told me, that like the song, she loved me unconditionally. How did I luck out and be blessed with such an incredible child? Her actions are beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Although she is quiet by nature, she possesses a strong voice and has convictions that drive her. She advocates for justice and candour and will not tolerate lies and deceit. When her brother gets into trouble, she cries. Peace and harmony is what she wants to surround herself in and tries to create an environment where this is possible.

So today, I thank the heavens above for allowing me to be part of this wonderful child's life. Happy birthday my sweet, sweet baby girl. Momma loves you more than the sun, the moon and the universe. 

Talk to me! Who in your life has touched your soul in a way like no other?  

Four Pillars

As a writer, I think, A LOT. I am always pondering, remembering and trying to make sense out of all the things that have happened in my life. Yesterday was a day filled with thoughts. 

Sunday was Mother's Day and I spent the day with my children, mother, grandmother and aunt. The sun was shining and the air was warm so we took advantage of sitting out back at my parent's home and enjoyed the sunshine that was so desperately missed this past winter.  The kids were running around with our dog, my grandmother sat quietly in a chair in the shade and my mother and aunt puttered around the pond, trimming bushes, pruning trees and bickered the way sisters do. At one point, the kids and I were taking bets on who was going to fall into the pond first as these two women grappled through dead branches and dried foliage. I sat and watched in amusement, glancing over to my grandmother every so often to see that she was alright.

These women, along with my paternal grandmother (deceased) have been pivotal forces in my life. I learned how to be a strong woman through observing and listening to these females. Their life stories were filled with trials, tribulations, fear, joy, love and hope. They taught me how to stay strong in the face of adversity, how to stay standing when your world was rocked and how to love and laugh and not give a damn about what anyone else thought. Four women who are the pillars in my life.

My paternal grandmother was a happy, loving and fun woman. I was fortunate enough to have her in my life for 18 years. She lived upstairs in our home and my brother and I were always walking up and down those stairs, trying to catch a glimpse of she was up to. The epitome of class and elegance, I can still remember what she smelled like, how she painted her nails and teased her hair. A classic beauty that could have stepped off the silver screen. Mama, as we called her, came to Canada with children in tow and divorced her no good husband (I met this man only twice in my life). She didn't let fear stop her from moving forward. Not a new country, being a single mom or the prospect of creating a life in a city where she didn't know the language. She was formidable and tried everything, at least once. I can still remember her attempt to ride a bike in the early 1970's, falling in the ditch and regaining her composure laughing hysterically.  THIS was how she was and this is what I learned from her. Laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at life. Laugh when it all seems bad because it really isn't that bad. I miss this woman terribly.

My Nonna is now a shell of who she was because of Alzheimer's. In the past two years, this strong, work horse of a woman has succumbed to this dreadful disease that has stolen the life and memories from within her. It is said that she had a bit of mischief in her while growing up in Italy. She worked hard all of her life but this didn't stop her from singing and dancing with her friends after a day's work. My grandfather knew she headstrong and wore the pants in the family and I think he welcomed it. This woman knew what was and what needed to be done. Caregiver to everyone, Nonna was our matriarch. She looked after her father-in-law, both her parents, her ailing son, all her brothers and sister and all her children and grandchildren. It took guts and determination for her to make sure everyone was okay. I never remember her being sick. I never remember her complaining about the things she chose to do. And yet, she sits her and loses a bit of herself daily. 

I love my aunt. She is my voice of reason. The one who says it like it is whether you like it or not. Her tough exterior masks the heart of gold she has. This woman bleeds quietly but loves excessively. Growing up, my aunt was the cool one - hot pink lips, long hair, cool clothes, lover of music and heels. The Rebel. My brother and I spent a lot of time with her, hanging out like hippies in the backyard. I always wanted to be like her, strong, wild, and carefree and creative. And I am like her.

My mom and aunt are night and day in some traits but in others, you can see they are sisters and possess the same characteristics that make them loving and strong women.  They just manifest these differently. My mother was often viewed as the weak, feeble one.  She stands less than 5 feet tall but is mightier than one may believe but less fragile than many expect. At age 9, she was given the task of caring for her baby brother, a task that came so natural to her and is still with her today. She is the caregiver, the one who needs and wants to be by your side when things go wrong. I learned, not too long ago, she cheers silently for you when you succeed but will cry openly with you when you are hurt.

These four women are the mainstays in my life. It is because of them that I keep a positive and determined outlook on life. And while these four women make up the four corners of my life, I have noticed that many of the women with whom I surround myself are just as amazing. They all have moxie. They are all fearless. They are all women who are the propelling force in their own lives. And that is what makes us remarkable.

Talk to me! Who are the women in your life that have taught you the most?

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

In one of my recent post's, Adam's Rib, I ended it by saying "I am in love with ME". While I have been sharing details of this journey of falling back in love with me through my stories, I have never really thanked the people who have taught me the lessons that brought me to this point.

 

As I mentioned in my post, Happy Valentine's Day, Now Get Out, watching my two friends say "I do" prompted me to realize I deserved better than what I had allowed my life to become.  SF and KB are a couple I still watch in awe. They compliment each other so wonderfully and not because of all the years they have spent together. There is a genuine understanding and respect between them that I see everyday. It does exist and I know that I can find it when I see them weave their life together. So, thank you to them.
 

To the Brazilian beauty who taught me that I am my own brand and if I don't take care of me no one else will, I raise my glass. You opened my eyes and made me realize I needed to take care of myself. It's okay to splurge every once in a while on something nice for me. My life is not all about the kids. I am a woman who deserves a special treat now and then. You opened my eyes to see that I am worth the investment.
 

My Scottish lovely, you taught me life was all about change and that if anyone could embrace it, I could. You pushed me and prodded me to rise to the next level when I was learning a new career. You were tough and demanding and made me cry but you taught me everything I needed to know about achieving success through hard work and determination. Through examples of your own, you showed me I am capable of anything I put my mind too and should never settle for sloppy seconds. You never let me say "I can't".

To the two men who recently have told me they find me intriguing and fascinating. Thank you for that. Thank you for finding that nugget of gold inside me that makes you want to dig some more and get to know me. It is nice to know that new people I meet find me interesting and want to get to know more. We so often hide ourselves in our life, afraid to venture out and see what is outside our doorstep. When we hide, we forget how awesome we are and when you finally jump off the stoop, WOW! 

Mr. S. my biggest cheerleader! Without you I would never have moved forward with my writing. I always had pen and paper in hand and it was only after sharing some of my words with you that I realized maybe I could do more with this. Family always supported and encouraged me but it was YOUR belief in me that gave me what I needed to take that step forward. I am eternally grateful. More than you will ever know.

 

JT you rock! You stood by my side and let me step outside the box to do something that was for ME, something that took courage and guts to do.  And I did and you talked me through it. Talk about empowering and fun!  Talk about exposing the heart and soul! I learned something about myself. Life happens when you live it. You helped me get there.

KBo you are my rock.  You never judge, you don't try to fix and you make a mean martini. You helped me focus on me which is what I needed to do. We all need that one person that keeps it real and doesn't let you accept defeat. Your strength is amazing and the energy that surrounds you is awesome. Like I said, MY rock.
 

Thing 1 and Thing 2, without you in my life, I would not have been so driven to create a home. You have taught me to look at the world through your eyes and slow down and that makes me happier than anything. Much of what I do, how I behave, is done to show you that anything is possible. You are my life and through you I continue to become the best ME I can be.
 

All these people and a whole slew more were the pillars along the road of my journey to now. In some way or another, they helped me take that next step forward.  None of them, not one, has ever made me stumble or fall. They picked me up, kissed my cuts and bruises, brushed off the dirt and pushed me forward. They made life seem possible again and taught me to look inward not outward for true happiness.  

 

There are so many more that I could thank that touch different parts of my life. 

And that is the point.

You carve the path of your life but it is the people along the sides that cheer you on that keep you moving. They are the people you live with, the people you play with, the people you work with, the community you build. Choose these people carefully. They should be positive and encouraging.  Keep all the naysayers and toxic people at arm's length. It is those people who thwart your growth and suck the energy right out of you.

 

So every once in a while, we should all take the time to thank the academy of people in our lives that help us be the best we can be.  

Talk to me! Who would you thank in your life for all their encouragement and support? 

Dinner for One? Never!

I feel a certain joy when I sit down at a table and see a good meal in front of me. I often wonder if I eat to live or live to eat. Coming from a big European family, meals have always been elaborate feasts that included everything from a simple appetizer to a wonderful dessert. I grew up sitting around the dining room table.

Our table
Photo by Audrey Bresar

Food in its most basic definition is any substance you eat that provides your body with the nutrients in order to survive. A boring definition in my opinion because it is so much more. The smell, taste and appearance of a well plated entree does more than just satisfy your body's need to survive. All these senses mix and dance together to create a sensory experience that triggers happiness and joy. Of course, there are days we are each reduced to stuffing our faces quickly over the sink.  But do these quick meals leave us satiated and content? I find that when I do this I am left feeling nauseous and horrible. Sit me down at a wonderfully set table, and the experience is completely different.

Egg White Omelet with Fresh Fruit
Photo by Audrey Bresar

Raspberry Crepe
Photo by Audrey Bresar

My memories of family get togethers and holidays always involve food. They involve walking into my grandmother's house and smelling that waft of garlic she always used that permeated the air. I can see vivid images of my mom and my uncle hovering above the stove and arguing about who was preparing the meal incorrectly. I see a long table that spanned both the dining room and living room, surrounded by family and friends. The chaotic and craziness of all those meals still echo in my ears. 

Carpaccio with Arugula and Shaved Parmesan in Truffle Oil
French Bean Salad
Photos by Audrey Bresar

In my younger days, the table was filled with laughter and heated discussions. Now, with some loved ones no longer with us, the table still laughs but there is more time spent reminiscing about these lost souls, who still remain alive in our hearts as we cherish their memories.

Seafood Salad
Photo by Audrey Bresar

Food is more than just something that does the body good. It feeds the soul and opens the heart. Those preparing the food pour their love into every stir, every dash and every chop they make. Food is about bringing people together, sharing stories, laughing, crying, creating memories, whether at home or out for an evening. Food is comfort, safety and love.

Homemade Broth
Photo by Audrey Bresar

When I prepare a meal, I look to combine flavours that will make the taste buds dance. I want the meal to encourage discussion around the table. I want my family to feel the love I poured into its creation. 

Gluten Free Cookies
Photo by Audrey Bresar

The kitchen is the heart of the home, for it is here you that you feel the beats and pulses, you feel the blood of our lives course through. The meals prepared here are what feed the soul and keep us thriving.

 

Caught by the Kids and Ready to Cook
Photo by Audrey Bresar

Dining with family and eating with friends reconnects us with what is important. It is the moment where we can forget about the day's insanity and engage in meaningful discourse that rekindles our spirits. Whether it is re-acquainting yourself with your stove or discovering a new bistro down the street, take the time to leave all troubles behind and indulge in a savoury, mouthwatering meal with those that mean the world to you.

Hot Chocolate and Coconut Pineapple Cake
Photo by Audrey Bresar

TALK TO ME!  What are your memories of meals? How do you feel when you are preparing a meal for loved ones?