Remember Me When I No Longer Remember You

Watching someone you love deteriorate in front of you is painful.  

My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s just over a year ago and the past few months have been heart wrenching to see this once strong, determined and independent woman become a shell of her old self.  Now let me preface all this by saying, she is almost 90 and has certainly lived a full life but it still doesn’t make watching this any easier.  This is such a horrible, degrading, unapologetic disease and it affects the people around just as much. Yesterday, she struggled as I helped her put on a sweater and boots.  The simplest things we take for granted, like how to put our arms through a sleeve and slide our feet into shoes, was lost.  I also see how this has infiltrated my mother and her sibling’s lives.  How entrenched in my grandmother’s life they have become, taking care of her every need.  I see the frustration in their faces and despair in their hearts.  They get angry, they cry, they yell and they love because it is all they can do.  My grandmother still remembers us but can’t remember that she just spoke with you five minutes ago.  But there will come a time when she will look at our faces and not recognize that we are the ones that filled her life, caused her joy and felt her love. 

Both grandmothers were afflicted with this disease and it got me thinking that maybe this is what I have ahead of me, what my children will have to deal with when I am old and grey.  They are too young to fully understand what is happening to my grandmother right now and I don’t know if they will remember how it affected all of us.  I am using this post to write them a letter, one that hopefully they will never have to read, should the day come when I don’t remember them.

My beloved children,

I am writing this letter to many years before you will ever see it. The children I see in front of me today are young, vibrant and filled with a curiosity about the world that I hope will never end. This letter will be read by a man and woman, well into their mid lives, with families and responsibilities of their own; a man and woman of whom I am sure I will be proud.

My life has been filled with the overflowing love I have for you both. I wanted you before I knew you and now can’t imagine not knowing you. But alas, there may come a time when I look into your eyes and not recognize the twinkle that I have come to adore so much. There may come a time when I will think you are just two kind strangers who love me. I may not remember your laugh or your smile, what your name is or how wonderful our lives have been. What I want you to know is that you both have made my life complete, filled it with a joy and happiness that I could never have imagined. My love for you will always be in my heart even if I can’t remember it in my mind. It is out there, as energy, in the universe and you will always feel it, no matter what.

Should a time arise when I start forgetting all that my life has meant, I have but three wishes for you to remember.  Please remember all the times I have been patient with you and be patient with me.  Do not get angry with me or resent me for what I have become through old age.  It is not who I was, nor who I wanted to become.  Remember that I have lived my life for you and don’t expect you to live yours for me. Yes, I want you to spend time with me, love me and be gentle with me but I don’t want you to take care of me.  This is a burden I never want you to experience.  I want to leave this world with my dignity intact and yours not tarnished by having to bear witness to my deterioration.  And finally, don’t feel guilty for choices you are faced with where I am concerned.  Make them with love and stand by them, knowing that I would understand. I trust you both and know that the bond we have cemented throughout our lives will carry us through this difficult journey. 

I hope that there will never come a time when I don’t remember what our life together was like or how much I love you. I hope I am always aware of what you mean to me because the thought, today, of not remembering, tears my soul apart.

But for today, at least, I will remember.

Yours forever,

Mom

Talk to me!  The thought of forgetting all that my life was, scares me...maybe this is why I write.  How do you keep all your memories alive?