Wednesday 15 October 2014

Behind the Smile Live Some Tears

Much to some people's belief, I am not always smiles and positivity.  In fact, there was a time where I cried. A lot. More than a lot. In fact, it was daily. I felt defeated, torn down. Alone. Like I made a mess of everything that was ever bestowed upon me. I began to second guess my worth. Fleeting moments of insecurity evolved into minutes, hours, days and weeks. My self esteem had been beaten and battered past the point of recognition. So it really irks me when people say I have a "charmed and easy life". 

Here is the reality. Yes, I work at a job in an industry that I love. I work hard, putting pressure on myself to succeed because the fear of not being able to provide my children with a roof over their head or food on the table scares the hell out of me. The fact is I was not working when we became a family of three. I was home with two babies making sure they were happy and healthy and trying to save my marriage. I knew I didn't want to go back to teaching but what could I do? It took three months for me to figure that out and I have been working hard to get to a place where the worry can subside a bit.

I don't have anyone I am accountable to. Is that positive? For married friends and family, the answer is yes. The truth? It sucks. I have been married twice but I still seem to have eluded true love. This is heartbreaking for a hopeless romantic like myself. But I have not given up. The weight of all my decisions is on my shoulders, there is no one with whom I can discuss things. When the kids want to go out for an afternoon all my household duties are put on hold which results in a frenzy that is arguably the most stressful part of keeping it all together. At the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, there is no one to share stories with. I go to bed alone, void of the warmth of someone beside me. No arms are there to hold me, no warm breath on my neck or soothing words to lull me to sleep. 

My life is what I make of it and the bumps and bruises along the way didn't scar me or push me into a corner. It was these things that made me look at life differently. I couldn't fit a square peg into a round hole so I adjusted. I changed the way I looked at life, fixed the way I carried myself, decided that my attitude could make or break me. There are still hurdles to jump and obstacles to avoid which means there will still be tears, frustration and upset. 

BUT....for the most part, my day is all smiles, interrupted by the occasional tear that flows freely during times of uncertainty or loneliness.

In the end, I live the life that was given to me, not a bad life, not an easy life but a blessed one. 

TALK TO ME! What do you hide behind your smile?


  1. Hmmmm...what's behind my smile? I lose it, A LOT..but I do smile because life is just better that way. I smile because there are beautiful people and places in the world. I smile when I see the goodness in the other humans. And cake. Cake makes me smile.

    1. I smile for the same reasons. Especially cake. Chocolate Cake. :)

  2. I hide a lot behind my smile. And going to bed alone is arguably better than going to bed lonely or angry.

    We all hide behind our smiles.

    Right now I can't even be bothered to smile.

    1. Smiles hide a lot. I know. We let people see what we want them to see. Right now I can't be bothered to smile either. Sending you an enormous hug from across the pond.

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